|
Names and Surahs
A couple of students entering Al-Azhar University met up with a professor.
He asked the first student, "What is your name?". The student replied, "My name is Mohamed." The professor said, "Very well. Please recite Surah Muhammad". And the student did.
The next student said, "My name is Tariq." The professor said, "Ok, please recite Surah Al-Tariq. And the student did.
This went on with other students saying their names and reciting their namesake surahs --Ibrahim, Yusef, etc. Finally, the professor noticed this one student looking down at his shoes and mumbling something. The professor asked "What's wrong and what is your name?"
The student looked at the professor and said, "I cannot lie. My name is Taha, but everyone calls me Kauthar!"
(For all of those who don't get the joke Surah Ta-Ha is a long surah with 135 ayats Whereas, Surah Al-Kauthar has only 3 ayats!)
Muslim pick up lines...
All in jest... humorous "Muslim" pick-up lines...
I am in no way endorsing those below, for modesty is part of faith...
1. "OH MY GOSH! I just saw part of your hair, now you're obliged to marry me."
2. "Our parents engaged us when we were little, they must have forgotten to tell you."
3. "I'd like to be more than just your brother in Islam."
4. "To watch you pray is a sin of its own."
5. "Will my platinum VISA cover your dowry?"
6. "You can't play basketball with a jilbab on, marry me, and we will go one-on-one our entire life."
7. "Muslims are supposed to have many children, and I am willing to do my part..."
8. "Will you help the cause of the Ummah by helping me fulfill my deen?"
9. "Wanna pray in jamaat? shoulder to shoulder, feet to feet?"
10. "Assalamualaikum, so what time does a hurain (beautiful person from Jannah) like you have to be back in paradise?"
11. What school of thought do you follow because I thought about you all through school
12. Can I have your wali's phone number?
13. So, read any good Surahs lately?
14. Do you believe in the hereafter? Oh you do? Then you know what I'm hereafter.
15. Would you like to see my collection of Bukhari's?
16. Lets get married so I dont have to lower my gaze everytime you walk in the room
17. Didn't we meet when I went on Hajj/fought Jihad/ on the day we testified Allah was our lord?
Speech
Once the people of a city invited a Mullah to give a speech. When the Mullah arrived he asked the people, "Do you Know what I'm going to talk about?"
The people gave the obvious reply, "No."
The Mullah replied "I have no desire to speak to people who have no idea what I'm going to talk about."
The people felt a bit ashamed and called the Mullah to speak again. He asked the same question and they replied, "Yes," this time.
At theis the Mullah said, "Well since you all know what I'm gointg to say then I shouldn't waste your time." And he left.
The people were really puzzled, and called on the Mullah for the third time. They were asked the same question. And this time half the audience answered "Yes", and half the audience answered "No".
To this the Mullah replied, ".Than the half who already know should tell the half that doesn't know." And he left once again.
Microsoft vs General Motors
It is said that Bill Gates (of Microsoft) recently compared computers and cars, to the disadvantage of the latter:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
Understandably provoked, General Motors issued a vindictive press release:
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off."
The Shepherd
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.
The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, "Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables. He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep .
" The shepherd cheers, "That's correct, you can have your sheep."
The young man takes an animal and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not?" The shepherd says, "You are an auditor."
"How did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "Firstly, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business..."
".....now can I have my dog back?"
|
|
