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In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
COURTING (DATING) AND ISLAM
“Oh ye who Believe! Follow not Satan’s footsteps: If any will follow the footsteps of Satan, he will (but) command what is shameful and wrong: And were it not for the grace and mercy of Allah on you, not one of you would ever have been pure: But Allah doth purify Whom He pleases: And Allah is One Who hears and knows (all things).”
“Ye have indeed in the Apostle of Allah a beautiful pattern (of conduct)…”
“My mission is to perfect human morality.”
To court is described in the Oxford dictionary as the act of trying to win favour or affection of someone, or try to attract sexually. We know that courting (dating) is the conscious agreement of two individuals of the opposite sex (today we even have of the same sex!) who have certain feelings for each other to get to know each other better for a particular reason. The relationship may be for the purpose of love, sex or even for the intention of getting married.
From an Islamic perspective, Allah has declared courting Haraam (illegal) in order to preserve the chastity and morality of the youth and all people. Al-Quran therefore states:
“Nor come near to adultery: For it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils).”
Courting begins when two people see in each other qualities, which they admire or are attracted to. It usually arises when one person feels an attraction for the other, and then a process of flirting, friendly engagement or some other method is used to get the other party to agree to a relationship. The question then arises; what are the main reasons for attraction youth have today for choosing someone, as opposed to the Islamic criteria of choosing a partner? Certainly the dominant attractions are the nice cars, good clothes, physical attractiveness, financial status etc. How many people are on the lookout for those ‘other’ qualities?
Then of course, we do have those who go out with each other but without even thinking in terms of marriage or settling down. How does one put oneself into a position without having an idea or considering where the relationship is heading? Would those same people treat say their careers like that? The possible justification then would be that they are merely mutually using each other to satisfy certain needs. The needs may be company, financial or sexual, however when the needs have been satisfied or they find someone else better fancied to satisfy those needs or once the feelings have dissipated, the relationship usually ends there as well.
Generally, the argument is put forward that courting is a good thing in that you get to know the person better. It is because you spend time with the person and enjoy each other’s company, you could then come to a decision as to whether the two of you would like to be with each other. The question worth asking is: WHAT are you getting to know about the person? If you are trying to impress a person or ‘steal’ his/her heart the average person is surely going to show his/her best side. You only see what the person is like in a certain framework. Do you know how he or she treats their parents? Is the person in question sometimes moody when coming from work? Do they like mid-night snacks, which you might hate? There are many uncharted territories and the inevitable result is that expectations will arise in each other because you only see a certain portrait of the person during courting which might lead to eventual disappointment, frustration, anger and even loss of interest in the marriage.
The other possible problem area is that if you get to ‘know’ the person during dating, then what is there exciting to learn after marriage? And because we mentioned earlier that most of the time you only see the best and not the worst of the person; after marriage there won’t be (in most cases because you know have what you wanted) much more of the best to see, so the worst character traits of the partner become magnified in your eyes or overshadows the good.
These ideas of a ‘trial period’ prior to marriage are reflective of western/Jahilliyah philosophy where enjoyment comes before responsibility. For what responsibilities are there in a dating relationship? You see each other when you want to; you choose the time, date, place etc. If you do not feel like seeing the person or you feel you have better things to do you can conveniently do that. Does this prepare you for marriage where all these ‘benefits’ and ‘freedoms’ are not there?
If this ‘trial’ period is for the intention of getting to experience and know each other physically (sexually), then what happens if the couple encounters problems and realizes they are not ‘right’ for each other? Will psychologists and social workers then deny the feelings of guilt, moral degradation, depression, anger, anxiety, worthlessness etc. that people experiance? Does this help in improving your mental and psychological wellbeing and social intercourse with people?
One study found that depression rates escalate between ages 15 and 21, the period where sexual activity usually begins. As a result, people suffering from this are more likely to engage in risky sexual intercourse, contract sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s) or have sexual intercourse before age 16. This usually exacerbates their psychological problems, adding to their difficulties. “Researchers conclude that better coordination is needed between facilities that treat sexual issues in adolescents and young adults and those that provide mental-health treatment.”(Katrina Woznicki- 28 July 2000- British Medical Journal)
“Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that will make for greater purity, and Allah is well acquainted with all they do. And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty.”
When a couple breakup, usually one or both go through a recovery process of ‘getting over’ the other. Work performance is affected, loss of concentration may occur, there is a desire to be alone, family relations are strained, there is a loss of appetite etc. No wonder that in the west where promiscuity is rampant, studies have shown that up to 80 % of all hospital beds are reserved for mental health patients. The trauma one goes through in a ‘break-up’ is something that cannot be ignored and brushed aside. Then of course the person(s) affected are still expected to perform their daily tasks without a period to heal, as opposed to the period of ‘Iddah a married woman has to go through in the case of her husbands divorce or death.
The amount of murders, suicides, assaults and rapes has exploded in recent years with premarital relationships playing a big role. In one study conducted in the United Sates where more than 1000 female students were interviewed at a large university, over 50 % had experienced some form of unwanted sex. Of these, 12 % of the cases were perpetrated by casual dates and 43 % by steady dating partners. 80% - 95 % of all rapes that occur on college campuses are committed by someone known to the victim eg. Boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, friends etc.
There is no doubt that dating and free mixing of the sexes arouses sexual desires within young people. When these desires are constantly triggered or awakened, there needs to be an outlet. Little wonder that in the USA, +500 000 rapes and sexual assaults are reported annually. Interestingly enough, just under half of these cases were perpetrated by someone known to the victim. Cape Town has been called the rape capital of the world. Of course there are other contributing factors, like drug and alcohol abuse etc that influence these statistics, which is why in Islam we look at and deal with all issues holistically and not compartmentalized.
What about the number of unwanted children that arise each year due to ‘casual’ relationships? What about the HIV/Aids epidemic sweeping this country and the world? What about the number of legal murders that take place in the abortion clinics? What about the number of UNREPORTED rapes? How can the west still deny the social, psychological and emotional problems of illegal relationships?
It is known that in marriage, the most successful spouses are those who could control themselves BEFORE marriage. Most wo/men who commit adultery, had some sort or the other sexual relationship or experience(s) before marriage. How then can this idea of a ‘trial period’ before marriage still be called beneficial to those parties concerned?
What then is the Islamic paradigm? Islam doesn’t advocate blind selection of partners or spouses. You have the right to choose who you want to marry, but of course as in all things a criteria is given for your benefit. Why is marriage so highly recommended in Islam? Most psychological problems are as a result of the postponement of marriage. Marriage is therefore the most fertile ground for mental health to flourish.
“Among His signs is that He created consorts for you from among yourself, so that you may find tranquility with them, and (He) set love and compassion between you. Verily in this are signs for people who reflect.”
“Beloved to me of your world are pleasant scents and women.”
Other benefits include the physical satisfaction- an outlet to those natural desires present in man. The rest and calm one finds Nikah is long-term and stable unlike the unstable, temporary satisfaction found in a pre-marital relationship. There may be a degree of loyalty binding you while courting, but how strong and genuine is that commitment? There are no responsibilities while courting; whatever your degree of input or commitment is comes from yourself. Is the other person’s commitment the same intensity as yours? What else is binding you besides your mutual feelings?
In marriage, it is not only those mutual feelings holding you together. Those feelings are strengthened and re-enforced by both sides to enter into a legal, recognized contract binding you together. This contract places certain responsibilities on each other, towards each other, which both parties are aware of before marriage. It is a relationship recognized by yourselves, your family, your community, your government and most importantly by Almighty Allah (swt). It is an institution that shouts out loud and clear to those surrounding you that you have willingly, consciously and sincerely dedicated yourselves to each other. Surely Allah, being the creator of man and therefore knowing what is best for man, would not outlaw something (i.e. courting) had it not been detrimental for man. Everything decreed Haraam IS detrimental to man!
“Marriage is my tradition. He who rejects my tradition is not of me.”
“There has not been created any institution in Islam which is more favoured and dearer to Allah than marriage.”
It is most unfortunate that even though Almighty Allah has decreed for us the blessed institution of marriage, Zina (illicit sexual relations) and illegitimate children (one symptom of Zina) are fast becoming the norm in the community. Of course, one of the main reasons for this is the adoption of westernism and ‘American-Islam’ by many Muslim families. Many Muslims would boldly declare that the reason they are Muslim is because their parents are Muslim. There is therefore no ideological certainty in their Islam. It is because of this that many Muslims have become victims of westernization and de-sensitized to western values and thinking. Young couples going out with each other hardly raises an eyebrow, in fact it is considered a prerequisite before marriage.
How many parents aren’t there that would discourage their son/daughter from marrying their first date/love for the reasons that they still have to experience other boy/girlfriends before making up their mind? Other possible reasons why this community is becoming dangerously promiscuous is that unnecessary obstacles are placed in the path of young people desiring to get married. The dominant cultural influences (eg. Malay, Indian etc.) dictate what type of marriage one has to have usually resulting in its postponement in order to satisfy these cultural expectations. There has to be a huge reception for the whole family and everyone else you ever knew, the food needs to be of cuisine standard, certain appliances are mandatory, the diamond can’t be under a certain size, the dress has to have a specific amount of lace, your retinue needs to comfortably occupy the 6 BMW’s you hired for the wedding day etc. The Muslims have become so decadent, that people will rather delay this great act of ‘Ibada (worship) than become the talk of the town by having something simple (which was, by the way the practice of the Prophet S.)
Then there is the famous excuse of, “No, they can’t get married now because they must still study finish and then go work.” Do these parents know what is happening on the campuses? Do they realize the shockingly high levels of promiscuity on colleges and universities? Do the statistics of rape and sexual abuse mentioned earlier on campuses not concern parents? Do they know how vehemently ‘safe’ sex and condoms are promoted and marketed to unwary, naďve students?
Most students, by the time they reach a tertiary institution have had some or other sexual feeling awakened in them, whether it be by a dating partner, by television, romantic novels, pornography etc. These desires are not left alone but instead are challenged by the many semi-nude, topless, tight-jeaned students in and around the campus cafeteria or lecture theatres. For those who can control themselves, Alhamdulillah. But how do you know if your son/daughter is one of the wiser ones? How do you know if your son /daughter is being impressed or seduced by one of the hundreds of guys/girls on campus ready to throw themselves at him/her? Do you think that anybody can truly focus on studies when their sexual desire has been awakened and not being satisfied? Parents would discourage their children from getting married whilst studying yet allow them the freedom to court and go-out. This reflects how materialistic we’ve become and how far away from Islam we have shifted.
“O ye who believe! Let not your riches or your children divert you from the remembrance of Allah. If any act thus, the loss is their own.”
“The mutual rivalry for piling up (the good things of the world) diverts you (from the more serious things). Until ye visit the graves. But nay, ye shall soon know (the reality). Again, ye soon shall know! Nay, were ye to know with certainty of mind (ye would beware!). Ye shall certainly see Hell fire! Again, ye shall see it with certainty of sight! Then shall ye be questioned that Day about the joy (ye indulged in!).”
“If I were to bestow all the good of both worlds upon a Muslim person, I would endow him with a humble heart, a tongue which continuously utters His praises, a body patient enough to withstand all calamities; and I would give him a pious spouse who, when she sees him, becomes happy, and protects his property and her own honour in his absence.”
Since the postponement of marriage leads to sin and a number of social problems, what then are the options parents have with regards to their children?
One possible solution could be that if their children are still studying and cannot afford marriage, then the parents could assist them (where possible) until they are by the means to stand on their own feet. Should this not be possible, the parents could marry the couple who are studying and but arrange that they live at their respective parents home. Seeing each other would then be possible while studying without fear of transgression. They could decide to refrain from sex if they are able to, however a number of contraceptive methods could be used to prevent pregnancy.
Long-term solutions would be the establishment of a marriage bureau to facilitate and assist couples financially and otherwise who desire to get married but their studies are complicating their wish for purity.
“On no soul doth Allah place a burden greater than it can bear…”
“And strive in His cause as ye ought to strive, (with sincerity and under discipline). He has chosen you, and has imposed no difficulties on you in Deen; it is the religion of your father Abraham. It is He who has named you Muslims, both before and in this (Revelation); That the Apostle may be a witness for you, and ye be witnesses for mankind! So establish regular Prayer, give regular Charity, and hold fast to Allah! He is your Protector- The best to protect and the Best to help!”
In conclusion, the institution of marriage (Nikah) is one of the most important steps in the life of a Muslim. This beautiful bond between two people undoubtedly plays an important role in the development of any young person. No wonder that the Prophet of Allah, Muhammad (saw) said:
“For two mutual lovers you will find nothing better than marriage. Who so wishes to meet Allah pure and purified let him marry free woman. When the man marries, he has indeed made his religion half perfect. Then let him fear Allah the remaining half.”
We can accept then, from the Hadith that marriage purifies and is the best place to bring two hearts closer together. It is a liberating action and not a constricting action. It does not limit your freedom, it grants you freedom. Freedom from becoming enslaved by your carnal desires, freedom from sin, freedom to reach higher levels of Consciousness and commitment and freedom from anxiety and guilt (peace of mind-Sakinah). Marriage is a covering, a protection. It is a protection from lewdness, immorality, insanity, internal conflict, disease and loneliness. Marriage is also a cure. A cure to mental strain, promiscuous behaviour, disease (HIV/Aids), and disunity.
“They are your garments, and you are their garments”
May Allah (swt) protect our youth from perverseness, and may our minds be liberated from the shackles of ignorance and blind following.
“Nor come near to Adultery: For it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils).”
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